As another year of FIFA comes to an end, I once again try my hand at making a Liverpool past and present team. And once again, I run into the age old problem of not having enough defenders. I label this the Alan Hansen Problem, in that we could really use one of our greatest ever defenders being added to the game in the form of an Icon card so that I didn’t have to waste so many ‘present’ spots on my defense.
I limit myself to just three present players in any past and present team I make, otherwise it’s no fun. If you don’t add this limitation, chemistry is too easy and you may as well be playing Pro Clubs. So in front of Jerzy Duddek, I have Virgil Van Dijk’s Team of the Year card, accompanied by 88-rated Emre Can and Javier Mascherano. Yes, my three-at-the-back consists of two midfielders with no pace and Big Virgil. He’s got a lot of lifting to do.
The team gets better as you go forward, albeit it is incredibly attacking. Xabi Alonso finally has a usable card, and he’s accompanied at the base of midfield by the legendary Steven Gerrard, who unfortunately is terrible in-game. I wouldn’t call either of them number 6s, but this is what we have to work with without proper centre backs. The so-called wingbacks are Sadio Mane and Raheem Sterling – I told you it was attacking – and up top we’ve got a combination of Darwin Nunez and Kenny Dalglish, supported by Xherdan Shaqiri’s new Futties card as a 10. Ryan Kent will sub in for the traitorous Sterling when I unlock him.
It’s a good team, with 30 out of 33 chemistry and lots of fun to play. I rely on Van Dijk more than I’d like, and while that third present slot is still up for grabs, Gomez’s Futties card is too expensive for me. I’d take Trent Alexander-Arnold in a four-at-the back, but we have no past left backs in the game unless I want to use Alberto Moreno’s 77-rated common gold card. Which I don’t.
All this is a) an excuse to show off, and b) to say my Liverpool past and present defense is due an upgrade. We used to have Jamie Carragher back when they were called Legends not Icons. Fowler too, but we’re flush for attackers so we don’t need God’s help any more. An upgrade that we’re getting in EA Sports FC 24. John Arne Riise is coming to Ultimate Team as a Hero card, and nobody has ever been more befitting the honour.
Heroes are like Icons, except not quite as good. The likes of Iniesta, Xavi, Ronaldinho, and Ronaldo (R9) are Icons. Gerrard, Dalglish, Rush, Barnes. Legends. Heroes never quite achieved that pinnacle of winning trophies and dominating games, but are cult heroes in their own right. Hence the name. Peter Crouch is a Hero, likely more for his robot celebration and post-football career as a funny man than his footballing talent. Saeed Al-Owairan for that goal in the 1994 World Cup. Kuyt, Kewell, you get the idea.
Riise fits this bill perfectly. The original Norwegian to storm the Premier League, his marauding runs from left back have gone down in Liverpool history. But those runs are nothing compared to his free kicks, hit with so much power that cameras couldn’t keep up and legs that tried to block them would shatter and ankles would dislocate. That happened to the same poor guy.
John Arne Riise assisted the first goal in that Champion’s League final comeback in 2005. John Arne Riise is responsible for the best piece of commentary ever screamed. John Arne Riise was responsible for hundreds of high school free kicks ballooned over fences. But most importantly, John Arne Riise makes my Ultimate Team complete. Thank you, John Arne, and welcome to the squad.